Friday, August 31, 2012

Living a Thug Life!

It's been a while since my last post. Where should I begin? Let's see....
How about 5 months ago when I was followed by an undercover police car?!
So, I was driving home from work and decided to pick up some Portillos. (Never a bad idea, BTW.)
I was traveling through a little suburb north of Chicago and I happened to notice the Blues Brothers in my rearview mirror. Black car, tinted windows and black sunglasses. I knew it was an undercover police car. No biggy- I just made sure I wasn't speeding. (Although cold Portillos fries are never pleasant) Anyway, I would turn down a side street, they would turn down a side street. I would turn right, they would turn right. After going through the whole town with them behind me, I started to get a little creeped out. Now all of a sudden the theme song to Cops was playing in my head. It must be a coincidence! I haven't even had a speeding ticket in the last 10 years!!
All of a sudden the lights on their not-so-undercover-car go on- REALLY?! ME!? They waited until I got right in front of a parking lot full of people. Thanks for that!!
"Do you know why we pulled you over?!" "No!" "We've been following you for quite some time!" "No Kidding!?!" " Yes, I saw you" They didn't want my license, they told me I wasn't speeding. Great! What could it be? At this point another officer arrives, because it's not dramatic enough. I see them in the mirror, all three of them are smiling and look as confused as I do.
Wait for it......."We are with an undercover gang unit." "What does LKN mean?!" I about died!!
Have you ever seen anyone with a OBX sticker on their car? It stands for The Outer Banks. I had a pink LKN sticker on our SUV. LKN stands for Lake Norman, NC. I explained this to the officer. He said that the color is what confused them?! I guess pink isn't a normal gang color. He then told me that LKN stands for Latin King Nation and I was representin'!!
At this point, I'm dumbfounded and my appetite for Portillos is completely gone. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to run out but then I remembered I wasn't a celebrity.
He went back to discuss my explanation with the other officers. They came to the conclusion that the blonde in the SUV with the car seat was not a threat to society. I've been called many things in my lifetime but Gangster was a first!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Would you like CHEESE with that whine??





Taking your child to an indoor germ fest sounds fun, right? How about one with a giant rodent chasing you? Does it sound appealing yet?
I will admit it. If there is a birthday party invite that has the words "play land" written on it, the invite usually somehow gets "lost." You would think that having 3 boys would make me the play land queen...not so much. Play lands are for Rich to deal with...and he actually loves it and that makes it a win-win situation.

Well last week I thought I would surprise Jaxon with a trip to the big Cheese...Chuck E. Cheese. He was so excited and I, for one brief moment, actually felt bad that I hadn't made more of these surprise trips to Cheese Land. Then....I snapped back to reality. Let's relive the afternoon, shall we? We approach the building and Jaxon is in awe of all the lights and colors sparkling through the shiny windows. We entered the building both smiling and holding hands....the door opens and you are now in a line that looks like the VIP line into a club. Suddenly some overly happy child bouncer asks to see your hand to put some invisible mark of the beast on your wrist and one for the kiddo as well. That's fun and inviting. Welcome to fun land but in case there's a crazy on the loose ...here's a stamp. Anyway, we make our way to the counter and I must say the salad bar didn't look too scary and there is actually alcohol served. Of course who is going to order a draft beer at 11am and then expect to chase around a 3 year old.? ( Although, that does go along with the night club vibe. ) Jaxon, at this point, is still in a happy-go lucky mood. Smiling, running around....until it happens. The music starts, the curtain goes up and the dancing rat is on the loose. Jaxon is now crawling up my leg and yelling; "Get me outta here!" Um, excuse me? I just spend $30 on 10 tokens and a cardboard pizza...we are staying in this rat's nest.
Finally Chuck E. goes away and the fun begins again. So for the next hour or so it was .... Yippee, ha-ha and every 12 minutes it was: "Get me outta here!" Let's not forget that it smells like rotten cheese, diapers and kid sweat. I swear, for 150 tickets you should be able to choose Clorox wipes and if you hit 500 tickets...a bottle of Amoxicillan. Now I've hit my last nerve and last token so; "It's time to go, Jaxon." "No, I don't want to!" Hmmmmm...."Ok, then let's go find the big mouse behind the curtain." That worked like a charm. We waltzed out without Buddy the Elf bouncer even glancing at our imprints and that was that. I love my kids but I do not love play lands and that is why spending quality time with them at Starbucks works just as well. :)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Short and Not So Sweet!




I tried to order a chocolate long john at Dunkin Donuts for Tyler and they thought I was ordering Paul Bunyan’s underwear. The conversation went a little something like this….
Me: One Chocolate long john….
DD:“What? Long Johns?” (pause) “Longgggg Johnnnnnns??” “What?” “Can you repeat that?!”
Me: “ No, a long john…just one. Not a pair of long johns.”
“Not Long John Silvers”
“Not, Long Duck Dong” (That’s from an 80’s movie for all my younger “fans) A LONG JOHN! It’s a freaking long donut with icing on it!
DD: “Oh, you mean a Boston Cream”
Really, did I say Boston or the word cream at all?
You would think I just got off the mother ship and I was trying to order a finger-on-a-stick. (Which by the way, I think may be served at some state fairs.)
I was beginning to think I was the crazy one. Maybe I made that word up and it’s not even really a donut. Maybe I have led Tyler to believe in this mystical long frosted donut that never was. How dare the Dunkin Donut’s man make me second guess myself! How dare he laugh with he co-workers who now think I am ordering undergarments with frosting.
Me: “Whatever, just give me some fried dough with chocolate on it!”
Anyway, Tyler never got his long john but he did get a round donut with icing.
To be fair, now that I have read the words ‘long john’ a few times…they do sound quite ridiculous. Go ahead, say ‘long john’ 5 times and you will find it pretty amusing.
So, if you are a northerner and want to order a long john in the south; be prepared to get a nice new pair of thermal undies instead!

Monday, November 8, 2010

I've Got an Idea....

Those are 4 words that I have uttered more than a few times in my life. It all starts with a small little flicker of an inspiration. Maybe it's a way of doing something more productive, maybe an idea that no one in the universe has ever thought to do or maybe it's a new fashion movement that involves dried out fruit and some glitter. Yep, dried fruit + glitter = Fruitbling. Let me explain...
Rich comes home one day to our kitchen covered in freshly baked and dried out fruit slices. Lemons, limes, oranges all neatly laid out on wax paper on the counters. The smell of citrus and spray glue in the air and colorful glitter everywhere. "Rich, this is going to be big...FRUITBLING!" Dried fruit with glitter and a small crystal in the middle, made into jewelry!" He stares at me with that blank look that I have seen before and I say; "I don't care if you don't like it, I already made a website!" Fruitbling was short lived but for the record, I still think it could work!
There have been plenty more where that came from. I won't tell you all of them because, clearly; there is just not enough time but I must share a couple more.

BirthingPants! When I was prego with Jaxon, I wanted to invent a pair of pants to wear while giving birth. I went out and bought pairs of scrubs and Velcro and tried to make them utilizing a hot glue gun. After trying to come up with a pattern, I gave up. I wanted a pair of pants with some sort of trap door but I kept cutting a hole so big that....well, nevermind. Again, I got the blank stare.
After years of being married, my craziness had rubbed off on Rich. He came home and wanted to have the next big online craze. He came up with an idea for a new dating site concept. Singles would put a sticker on their car with an ID# and if someone liked the driver...they would go to the website and type in the ID to see that person's profile. We came up with the name stickerdate.com (Log On, Stick On, Groove On) :) Anyway, I got our idea on the early morning show in Chicago and they showed our website and Rich got to interview with them. About 2 weeks later flirtingintraffic.com came out. The same idea, same ID's everything. This guy had something that we didn't....money! That was the end of stickerdate.
So, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a serial idea-ist...not idealist...idea-ist. (See, I just invented a new word!)

Friday, October 15, 2010

McStupid!

Well it's that time of year again. The time when McDonald's gives us an even bigger reason to roll into the drive thru...Monopoly is back! As if their fries weren't reason enough.
No one ever wins the big money anyway, right? Not so fast! I'm about to tell you a story that will make you want to buy a medium fry and a 6 piece nugget right now.
It was 13 year ago. My husband and I were both students and living off of student loans, no really that was our primary income. Good Times...literally, like the show "Good Times!"
Anyway, no matter how much money you have or don't have; we all have one likeness...Mickey D's!
My husband was determined to win the grand prize that year, One Million Dollars! I laughed at him while he bought endless amounts of Coke just so he could peel those little square stickers off. He would leave those game pieces all over the place and it was so annoying. I can't stand things on shelves or counters just sitting there for all to see.
He came home and we laughed because he peeled off "Boardwalk". I remember him saying; "Park Place" must be the hard one to get this year.
Remember that annoying pile of pieces? I decided he was never going to win and proceeded to throw out all of his precious collection. He came home later that evening beaming from ear to ear. "Holly, we're rich...I have Park Place!!!" You see, Boardwalk was the piece the whole world was looking for. Boardwalk was in the dumpster! Boardwalk was in the dumpster on garbage day! Boardwalk was in the landfill by now!
I had to tell him the news; "I threw it out." I turned white. He turned red! We both ran to the dumpster. We both climbed into the dumpster...it was empty except for a few leftover items.
Needless to say he was less than thrilled with me and I was sitting in a dirty dumpster crying. So, now every year when the Monopoly game comes out; I am reminded of this story.
At least when the McRib is back, he forgets all about it again!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"I'm a has been!"



What's your lowest point? You know...if you are a drunk; it may have been the time you woke up in a gutter. If you are a dead beat dad; it may have been the time you forgot your kid's birthday. If you are a mom who has left the career world to stay home with the kids; it may have been the time you got your eyebrows waxed at Walmart with a 2 year old on your lap!!! Yes, that was me. My lowest point. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway.
I was leaving in a day to spend the weekend in Chicago and needed my eyebrows waxed since I was starting to resemble Bert. I was picking up last minute things at Walmart and saw a nail salon in the store and they were advertising waxing. I had my 2 year old but thought he would sit still for 5 minutes. I was wrong. I instantly became that woman that I used to glare at. You know, the one in yoga pants and a t-shirt, a pony tail and no makeup. That was me...but worse, I was getting waxed at Walmart with a squirming 2 year old on my lap. The Vietnamese lady was trying to give him candy...thanks for the sugar, lady...that's going to help! Anyway, when he was done cramming a piece into his mouth and decided it was gross, he whipped it at a lady getting her nails done. So sorry, ma'am...I would do something but I'm getting waxed...at Walmart!
See, when I worked full time and had a full time nanny (aka: my mom) I had time and energy to give a shizzle. Now, I'm lucky if I have a clean shirt on.
A little over a year ago, I would have left work, stopped at Starbucks, went to the nail salon, got a fill, got an eyebrow wax, stopped at the mall and then came home.
Those days are long gone. Now I'm wearing work out clothes when I don't even work out. I used to go to Walmart to buy only toilet paper and cleaning supplies, now I pile anything and everything into the cart just so I don't have to make another shopping trip.
The moral of this story is never, I mean never, stoop this low!! I would rather have 10 eyebrows than feel like I felt that day at the Walmart "day spa" getting waxed with a child on my lap! It's kinda like that line in Sweet Home Alabama; "You brought a baby...to a bar?!?" "You brought a baby...to a nail bar?!?"

Sunday, August 15, 2010

StoRAGE!!!

Yes, RAGE. That is what self-storage facilities bring out in people. If you don't believe me, pack up a bunch of crap from your house and move it into one and then go there to find something and see what you turn into.
In the past, Rich and I used to store our items (aka: useless crap) in a small storage unit. So, let's get this straight. We paid $50 a month to store junk we didn't use that we didn't want to store in our garage, basement or attic. Yep, that is right. Anyway, we never went there because we didn't need any of the junk. So, I never had the "privilege" of visiting the storage unit. Well, this past summer, I lived at the storage unit. let's just call it #181. Since we moved from Charlotte to Chicago and back within 1.5 months; we needed to utilize #181...big time. We had to move our belongings from our home (that we just moved back into) and put it in the largest unit they had. Then we had to load our trailer, yes...trailer (we'll save that for another blog entry) and move the rest of the stuff that didn't fit to another, smaller trailer. To sum it up...it was a nightmare! I can only hope and pray that there weren't hidden cameras that caught me as I transformed from a semi-normal person into a raging lunatic. If there was, you may see the actual event on Youtube one day. Let's just say at one point my oldest son found me perched on top of the highest box (9 feet up) staring at the back wall. "Mom? Mom? Are you OK?" "Do I LOOK, OK; Tyler?" Of course he found it amusing that I was 1 minute away from a straight jacket. Now, don't forget a storage unit is a metal coffin without any circulation and pretty much smells like toes at any given time.
After ,my semi-nervous breakdown; my attention was drawn to unit #170 where some pretty foul words by a fellow nut job were being shouted to his son. That made me chuckle knowing that I wasn't the only one riding this crazy train. I wish this was the end of my nightmare but we still have some stuff up in Illinois in #248 (the smaller one) which one day will have to be removed and transplanted in NC. The moral of my story is "You can't take it with you"...so pack it up, pay $70 a month and shove it in a metal coffin!